My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
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I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
can’t bark with your mouth full
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.