My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
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The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL