Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
You Might Also Like
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*