My dance floor moves are exactly like what happens when a child wanders into the middle of a parade.

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Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.


i hate when the news guys say “our nation’s capital”. stop jerking us around and tell us what city it is


My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room


I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid my friends will give me the funeral I told them I wanted when I was drunk.


Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?


Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.


Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A


“What do you do for a living?”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”


The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good