My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
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my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.