“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
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Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.