“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
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Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”