@SondraDeeMe

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

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@dyldonot

“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?

@boburnham

Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!

@oria2326

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

@interwebmemes

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

@Tommytoughstuff

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

@DanLaMorte

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

@EliTerry

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

@TheTweetOfGod

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

@Kris_Florio

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”