My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
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Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
me as a parent
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.