My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
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[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
mathematically impossible
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no