My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

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*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”


I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.


“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”




Damn it
Damn it
Damn it
(Stabs it)
Damn it

– me trying to eat with chopsticks.


Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.


(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u


I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .