*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
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I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
I fake all my origamis.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
– me trying to eat with chopsticks.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .