My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
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I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Monday Lisa
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….