My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
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Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Taking phone security to the next level.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*