Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first
Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
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I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want. You’ll still have herpes.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
[Weights bench at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise