@ArfMeasures

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

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@dumbbeezie

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

@dumbbeezie

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

@AmberDonn

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

@SteveDutzy

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

@BackrowSeats

Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want. You’ll still have herpes.

@AmericanGent69

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

@ArfMeasures

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

@HansGrubertron

[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise