[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
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Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?