I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
You Might Also Like
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs