Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
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How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Venn
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.