@UncleDuke1969

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

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@lazerdoov

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

@LurkAtHomeMom

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

@ReeseButCallMeV

My niece said I look like a mom. So now we’re playing a game, sorta like Hide-N-Seek, except I hide her and no one finds her. Ever.

@Kryzazy

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

@momTruthBomb

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

@momjeansplease

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

@zachreinert03

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

@CutPics

“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like ,80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”

@Stellar_AF

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true