@UncleDuke1969

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

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@C00LpenNAME

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

@TheTweetOfGod

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.

@Darlainky

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

@Social_Mime

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

@Cheeseboy22

I’ve been refilling the same Evian water bottle for 6 months. So many people think I’m rich.

@surrealvehicle

me: i’d like to buy a data storage system

assistant: hard drive

me: yes the freeway was gridlocked

@FroggyGonnaJump

She might be Satan, but if I’m going to hell, I want to be sleeping with the boss.

@Rollmaninoz

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

@mortimermaiden

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.