Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
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If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
My niece said I look like a mom. So now we’re playing a game, sorta like Hide-N-Seek, except I hide her and no one finds her. Ever.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like ,80% sure, yeah.”
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true