God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
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Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
I’ve been refilling the same Evian water bottle for 6 months. So many people think I’m rich.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
She might be Satan, but if I’m going to hell, I want to be sleeping with the boss.
I need to get some bricks…
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.