People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
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Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Check your privilege
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what