My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
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One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel