@FirstDateStory

“My date took me to a nice restaurant. Our server leaned in to me and said, “You’re the third one this week”

You Might Also Like

@SocialustGal13

Let’s make a deal. You sing Christmas music in the office and I’ll leave 5 minutes early to let the air out of your tires. Deal?

@dafloydsta

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

@AthenaMystique

I’d only convert to Christianity to learn how to turn water to wine.

WHADYA MEAN THEY DON’T TEACH YOU THAT? WHAT’S THE POINT, THEN?

@aeroyonghusband

BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.

@ArfMeasures

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

@Duke1173

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

@cepheusjackson

[SCIENCE FAIR]

ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.

@UnderTheJewFro

You can tell a lot about a person by the type of car they drive. For example, if they drive a Taxi, they’re probably a cab driver.

@_Ellsie_

Yeah I can take a hint. I’m not going to though.

@MiddleageM

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned