“My date took me to a nice restaurant. Our server leaned in to me and said, “You’re the third one this week”

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She said she was turned on by men who took risks.

So he took the plastic off his iPhone screen.


We can send a man to the moon but can’t turn a tap on when someone’s in the shower.


ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.


Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.


*wakes up in cold sweat*


A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.


Doctor: “I have never seen this before: You have no bones!”

Me: “Really? Could the x-ray be broken?”

Doctor: “Ignore what I just said.”


My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”


CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too


I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas