Let’s make a deal. You sing Christmas music in the office and I’ll leave 5 minutes early to let the air out of your tires. Deal?
“My date took me to a nice restaurant. Our server leaned in to me and said, “You’re the third one this week”
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WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
I’d only convert to Christianity to learn how to turn water to wine.
WHADYA MEAN THEY DON’T TEACH YOU THAT? WHAT’S THE POINT, THEN?
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
You can tell a lot about a person by the type of car they drive. For example, if they drive a Taxi, they’re probably a cab driver.
Yeah I can take a hint. I’m not going to though.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned