nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
You Might Also Like
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
😂😂😂
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that