MY DATE WHO IS A SQUID: What movie should we see?
ME, SECRETLY TRYING TO HARVEST HER INK: Something super scary *I empty my popcorn bucket*

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Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.


[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her


Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”


Someone: if you’re not deaf why do you always use subtitles?
Me, someone with audio processing issues so bad I literally did not understand what you just said: yeah!



ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.


There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today


My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.


I love doing crunches.

*crunches Doritos*
*crunches popcorn*


You can lead a horse to water, but you have to work really, really hard to get him up on water skis.


*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake