My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
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If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.