@lasergirl70

My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.

My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.

- @lasergirl70

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@LizHackett

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

@AndyAsAdjective

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

@junejuly12

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

@yonewt

If my neighbor’s front yard is historically accurate baby Jesus was also visited by Spiderman

@PlainTravis

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

@Cheeseboy22

My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”

@chunkbardey

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

@HEYWATCHMETWEET

Sex is a lot like chess. It takes strategy, patience, there’s a horse there, the queen is watching.

@dril

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .