My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
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me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play