[I emerge from the bushes covered in blood]
Director: CUT! For the last time I said mud! Where do you keep getting all this blood from?
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
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Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies