My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.

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[I emerge from the bushes covered in blood]

Director: CUT! For the last time I said mud! Where do you keep getting all this blood from?


Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.


My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.


A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words


People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.


[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R


I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.


Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.


If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.


Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies