My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
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In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!