My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
You Might Also Like
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.