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Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…