My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
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Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other