My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
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My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.