My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
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[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.