My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
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ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Monday
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.