Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
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orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Best mom ever 😂
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish