If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
You Might Also Like
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee