PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
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“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Bro what is this
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
When the stylist spins you back around
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.