My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

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The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.


The earth revolves around the sun. So, I guess if you want me to revolve around you, you’re gonna have to set yourself on fire.


A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream


An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.


I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.


Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.


I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.


God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].


Just heard a Mexican guy sneeze with an American accent. Whoa, just whoa