@TheNYAMProject

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

You Might Also Like

@ThisOneSayz

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

@wickedsuga

The earth revolves around the sun. So, I guess if you want me to revolve around you, you’re gonna have to set yourself on fire.

@SCbchbum

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

@ChrisHallbeck

An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.

@Cheeseboy22

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

@david8hughes

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

@JustMeTurtle

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

@Benjamin4501

Just heard a Mexican guy sneeze with an American accent. Whoa, just whoa