@TheNYAMProject

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

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@mom_tho

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

@Amusitr0n

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

@TheBoydP

Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…

@50NerdsofGrey

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

@DanaSchwartzzz

I really hope the Tesla board doesn’t force out Elon Musk because that it 100% how we get a Green Goblin scenario

@MavenofHonor

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

@SamuelHLowe

It’s not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else.

@KeetPotato

[tv commercial]
me: “know what i’d love for breakfast?”
mum: “what’s that son?”
me: “if someone pre-chewed my food”
narrator: “porridge”

@StephenKing

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

@shkeeber

*camera pans to a pair of sneakers hanging over a power line*

*Sean Connery takes a long drag of his cigarette*

“It was a… shoeishide”