My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
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Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
😂😂
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome