The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
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New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Wait for it
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.