*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
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This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not
do not @ me i wo not answer
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I don’t need to use WebMD because my mother always knows a person who had something similar to me, and she remembers how they got rid of it.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack