You Might Also Like

@lazerdoov

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

@chuuew

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

@fro_vo

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

@Kevaclysm

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

@SCbchbum

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

@trevso_electric

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

@handsock_butts

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

@underchilde

I don’t need to use WebMD because my mother always knows a person who had something similar to me, and she remembers how they got rid of it.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack