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@Tommytoughstuff

“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”

@alexqarbuckle

Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play

@truegritrumble

MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?

@KeyLimeShy

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

@Sickayduh

Reporter: Doctor, what motivates you to care for coma patients?

Me: Well, I’m just here *puts cap on Sharpie* to put smiles on their faces

@CrankyPappy

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

@CulturedRuffian

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

@1fragmentedmind

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.