My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
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Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
