My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
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Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Wake me when AI does housework
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Awwwww shit.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you