My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
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buys donuts instead
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.