My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

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I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink


“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”


When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.


I’m starting to think the other moms might not like my nicknames for their kids.


Not sure what to do with your hands while on a date? Carry two swords. Next question


Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.


(My wedding day)

Grandma: You remind me so much of your father

Me: Wow, thanks that means a lot

G: Your father was a disappointment also