@Smug_Lemur: My daughter asked me what it's like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
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@duplicitron: I do shrugs at the gym with like 400 pounds just to show everyone how hard I don't care.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: What did I ask you to do? Me: Love you forever? W: M: Kill a man to defend you honor? W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER I was getting there.
@bush_piglet: Yay! my car has a parking sensor and I didn't know. When I reverse too far it makes a banging, crunching noise.
@bluebayoubyyou: Just used the "f word" over on FB so I'm waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.