My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
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Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!