@Smug_Lemur

My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

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@LittleMissAngr1

The thing about Stockholm Syndrome is you can’t really remember what it’s like to not have kids.

@Contwixt

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

@Pundamentalism

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

@singwithTaffy

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

@mattZillaaaa

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

@KateWhineHall

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

@therepoguy

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

@texasstalkermom

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

@Quartzjixler

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.