My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
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I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
me and my fake scenarios
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.