My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

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me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true


married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me


Someone once introduced Jeff Goldblum to me at a party by saying, “This is Chris Kelly,” and he exclaimed, “My god, of course!”

I couldn’t believe it. He know who I was??

Then he proceeded to say, “My god, of course!” to every person he was introduced to.

I love Jeff Goldblum.


ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.


[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here


[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?


Him: I really like Coldplay

Me, trying to impress: I once fingered a corpse


Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day


My friends holds her breath driving past cemeteries cause of superstition but I thought she just didn’t want to be cocky about breathing