me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
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him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Someone once introduced Jeff Goldblum to me at a party by saying, “This is Chris Kelly,” and he exclaimed, “My god, of course!”
I couldn’t believe it. He know who I was??
Then he proceeded to say, “My god, of course!” to every person he was introduced to.
I love Jeff Goldblum.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Him: I really like Coldplay
Me, trying to impress: I once fingered a corpse
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
My friends holds her breath driving past cemeteries cause of superstition but I thought she just didn’t want to be cocky about breathing