British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
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[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
😩😩😩
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”