*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
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*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why