The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
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I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
my first dose meeting my second
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones