My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
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My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
umm…
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
operators are standing by to ignore your call
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday