Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
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It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
definitely did not do anything wrong
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
my first dose meeting my second
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.