Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
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Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.