My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
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[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.