If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
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[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Your overexposure to Korean pop music last year will be nothing compared to your overexposure to Korean nuclear radiation this year.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. “Here, I killed your friend. Hold him.”
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
[Opening questions in a murder trial]
DOLPHIN PROSECUTOR: You are a killer whale, is that correct?
KILLER WHALE: Yes.
DP: I REST MY CASE