@WilliamRodgers

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

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@brandonIee

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

@Dil_Tron

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?

@TheTweetOfGod

Your overexposure to Korean pop music last year will be nothing compared to your overexposure to Korean nuclear radiation this year.

@BlindVigil

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

@AbbyHasIssues

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

@squirrel74wkgn

Car salesmen: Good evening

Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND

@chrisdowning

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

@ThatBrenna

A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. “Here, I killed your friend. Hold him.”

@JediGigi

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

@flashember

[Opening questions in a murder trial]

DOLPHIN PROSECUTOR: You are a killer whale, is that correct?

KILLER WHALE: Yes.

DP: I REST MY CASE