me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
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The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope