My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
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If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?