My daughter fired me this morning and told me to go to my room and this has become the best day ever

You Might Also Like


People who take things literally on twitter, stop.

Wait. First take this tweet literally, then stop.


A lot of people are walking around without forks in their eyes only because I don’t carry forks around.


Me: Can I bet $20 on the Panthers to win the Super Bowl?
Government: Sorry, no
Me: Ok, can I buy 1k in powerball tickets?
G: Lol, of course


The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.


I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.


I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.


Them: Help! A poisonous snake bit me!
Me: oh shit. Umm. So. The word you’re looking for is venemous. Don’t feel bad, it’s a common mistake.


ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.

HIM: What?

ME: What?