@Phook75

My daughter fired me this morning and told me to go to my room and this has become the best day ever

You Might Also Like

@Easy_Tiger__

People who take things literally on twitter, stop.

Wait. First take this tweet literally, then stop.

@SaltyCorpse

A lot of people are walking around without forks in their eyes only because I don’t carry forks around.

@Playing_Dad

Me: Can I bet $20 on the Panthers to win the Super Bowl?
Government: Sorry, no
Me: Ok, can I buy 1k in powerball tickets?
G: Lol, of course

@BatBatshitcrazy

The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.

@WilliamAder

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

@JohnLyonTweets

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

@MsanthropyVani

Them: Help! A poisonous snake bit me!
Me: oh shit. Umm. So. The word you’re looking for is venemous. Don’t feel bad, it’s a common mistake.

@sofarrsogud

ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.

HIM: What?

ME: What?