People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
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find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
no such thing as a dumb question
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza