Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
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My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Breaking news:
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me